our broken hearts are healing and a big thank you to all of you

Our New Year didn't exactly start out as we planned....

 "I'll see you guys in a little bit!" I called out as I bounded out the door on January 3rd for a routine 16 week check-up. About 45 minutes later I was calling Brandon with terrible news, we couldn't find a heartbeat. We were in shock, feeling as if the rug had been pulled out from under us. We were getting so excited, at the following appointment we were going to find out the sex! And now this. This place of no answers, no what-if's, no immediate solace for our brokenness.  It just was what it was.

We felt stuck in between disbelief and shock for days. It was very surreal to have been planning and dreaming of this new addition to our family, all the wonderful and crazy new dimensions it would create for us, and to have that suddenly change. It didn't help that I still looked pregnant, but wasn't. That first glass of red wine should have tasted good, but it didn't. It was raw and painful and hard for us both. 

But in the midst of our tears we were overwhelmed by the support of our friends and family. We had no idea that this experience had touched the lives of so many people we know. I can't say enough how much it meant to me, to have friends, even ones I haven't seen in 10 years, reach out and share their stories. Share their brokenness too. It felt so good to be understood, even if I didn't even fully know everything I was feeling. I feel empowered by my girls and their families, for they have shared their strength and helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. It makes me wish that I could have been there more for my friends in their time of need. I only hope that I can be the same support for someone in the future. I understand the quietness that this experience lays on you though, the need to deal with it privately and in your own time. 

Sometimes all a girl needs is a hug from her mom. And that is exactly what I got, when she flew out from Alaska to be with us. Thanks mom! You'll never know how much that meant to  me. And all of us. Moms just know when they're needed.

This experience has left me with a new-found appreciation for Warren and our life now. I am left with deep gratitude for the gifts we already have. It is a wonderful reminder to be present and enjoy his silly smile and wild shenanigans. His expressions seem more meaningful and his hugs feel extra sweet these days. I don't want to lose that.

And you know us, we're eternal optimists....we'll try again.